How I learned to stop a nosebleed

A technique to solve a messy problem which, unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of opportunity to refine. Let me Dadsplain with a grisly anecdote…

When I was… 5, I think… anyway, thereabouts – I had an ‘incident’ which I’ve related many times since.

It involved an unusual game of cricket between myself and another, neighbouring kid. What was different about this cricket game was that we had none of the standard equipment. The ball was replaced by a beachball. (You may be wondering at this point how a beachball could be involved in a bloody outcome?) Read on…

The other item missing, of course, was a bat. This was substituted with… a hammer. Starting to get the picture?

Nor did we have the usually requisite 22 yard (20.1m) pitch. We just stood about a yard (a metre…) apart. I was the bowler. I tossed the beachball high over our heads. The ‘batsman’ following the ball’s trajectory down and brought the hammer down… forgetting (I assume) how close I was and the proximity of fragile flesh. So, the full force of the hammer head came down squarely onto my nose. [gap in recollection]

I regained consciousness to a dull throb in the middle of my face

I looked down to what had been a white shirt – it was now completely red. The next thing I was aware of was my mother’s expression as she attempted to hide her horror. At this point I lifted my hand to explore the source of the throbbing. Expecting my fingers to stop as they found my usual nasal projection, they passed across unhindered. My Mum was reacting to the fact that my nose had been pushed into my face. Erk!

Well, there then ensued a, now familiar, racing off to the hospital emergency ward. I looked up yet again from the back seat of the family VW Beetle at the back of my Dad’s head as he hared us off after yet another of my gruesome misadventures.

They sucked my nose back out and patched it up pretty good – but it’s never been the same since…

The upshot of all that was that I have a history of regular spontaneous nosebleeds. (Finally the point!)

Consequently, I’ve heard and tried countless methods to stem the flow from countless well-meaning types. And, of course, one just comes across them from various sources. (I think there was one in a Boy Scout handbook)

Anyway, none of them worked that great. My nose would always stop bleeding eventually, but what I wanted was a ‘quick, easy and effective’ fix. (Hey, there’s my mantra)

Through many experiments I came up with the technique I use to this day. Here it is (ahem):

• First, get a single square of toilet paper handy.
• Then give your nose a good old blow to evacuate as much blood as possible.
• Quickly stuff the square into the relevant nostril. Really shove it up there, you’re making a plug. But leave just enough sticking out to grab and pull it out again later.
• Wait.
• You don’t have to wait too long. 2 or 3 minutes should be fine. Meanwhile, you’re not streaming your life’s vital fluids everywhere. The paper plug is acting like a temporary scab and your body’s going to town rushing all the clotting agents to outflow central. (instead of them all seeping out if you let it bleed like some suggestions)
• This next bit’s a little gross – but, you know, you’ve already seen the blood so you’re pre-numbed to it.
• Have a tissue handy. Maybe two, doubled up – what’s coming up isn’t your average noseblow.
• OK – now hoick (do we all know what ‘hoick’ means?) out the toilet tissue plug. And blow. Not too violently, it’s pretty delicate up there, you don’t want to start the flow again. But strong enough to eject what’s left. It’ll be thick and gloopy – that’s good, shows you your system is doing its job.

All being well, it should have now stopped. On the off chance it didn’t, just try again but leave it a bit longer.

Hope that helps!

Dadsplainer Disclaimer: Do not take serious medical advice from a Dadsplainer. This technique is for a minor occurrence. If your nose is bleeding heavily and unabated for a long period of time consider seeking professional medical attention.